Episode 666
by Marleta Gontrex
Summary: Kramer wants to get even. George experiments with drugs and hardcore pornography. Newman tries to blackmail Jerry. Bania suffers.


Jerry and Kramer walk into Jerry's apt.

"Look, Jerry, all I'm saying is there are certain groups of people in this country you can't trust!"

"Right, and these two guys just happen to be part of that group? I think you've finally gone off the deep end, my friend."

Kramer grabs some cereal. "Oh, you ain't seen deep like this, baby!" Kramer's eyes bug out while his head tremors. Canned lolz.

"So the manager at Monk's and Jackie Chiles. How are you gonna get even?"

Kramer responds with a mouth full of cereal. "I'm not gonna get even, Jerry." Kramer brandishes a pistol, his eyes light up with glee and he sports a maniacal grin while speaking in a quiet but excited voice: "I'm gonna kill 'em!"

Jerry: "Yeah, wonderful, just blow all your black problems away. Whatever you do, leave me out of it! I've got plans this evening." Jerry walks back to his bedroom.

"Hey, can I leave the gun here?" When Jerry doesn't respond, Kramer drops the gun in the cereal box and puts it back in the cupboard.

* * *

"I love you, George."

"I love you too, Lucy. I'll see ya later." The two kiss goodbye and George leaves his apartment.

Lucy hops on the computer after he's gone and notices two strange internet tabs. She makes a disgusted face. Internal monologue follows. "Rectal prolapse porn?! Jesus, George... and LSD? What is this? God, just when you think you know a person."

Lucy reaches for the phone, dials. "Hi, Mrs. Costanza? Yeah, George is on his way over there. Listen, I'm a little worried about him... He's getting into drugs and prolapse porn." Lucy yanks the phone away from her face as a shriek comes through the receiver.

* * *

Fade to the Costanzas' house. George is sitting on the couch clearly embarrassed while his parents pace anxiously. "Whaddaya doin watchin that filth?!" His dad yells. "That's unnatural! If God wanted peoples insides on the outside he'd've made 'em like that!"

"And DRUGS?" His mom inquires. "George, what's gotten into you? Has Susan's passing finally made you lose it?"

"No, Ma, that's not it. I just-"

"You just gotta see a therapist, that's the end of it!" His dad is very adamant.

George stands up and walks toward the door. "Ya know, all my life you guys thought there was something wrong with me. Maybe you're both horrible parents." They both gasp. "Here, look, I'm taking some drugs right now." He puts an acid tab on his tongue.

"You're not welcome in this house until you get your head fixed!" His mom whines.

"Well MAYBE I DON'T EVER WANNA COME BACK HERE!" George yells before slamming the door.

* * *

Jerry answers the door in response to a knock.

"Hello, Jerry."

"Hello, Newman."

"To what do I owe the displeasure?"

"Oh, skip it, Seinfeld. I've got real problems." Newman barges past Jerry into the apt. Dramatic silence as the two stare each other down. Finally, Newman breaks and begs on his knees. "They're gonna evict me! Please, you gotta help me."

"Evicting you? Why, because you're a repugnant slob?" Canned lolz.

Newman gets up and walks toward the window. "Perhaps. But look - I can't get time off to go apartment-hunting. Plus everyone hates me. You, you're Jerry Seinfeld, the comedian. You won't have a problem getting a new place. I was hoping you would let me take over the lease..."

"No. Absolutely not. We've always hated each other, tubby. Why would I help you?"

Newman gets a scheming grin. "Because you value your mail, don't you? It would be a shame if something were to happen to all those letters from your parents, those checks from work, those bills... How would you survive?"

Jerry, angrily: "You wouldn't."

"Oh, you know I would! Think on it, Seinfeld. Or suffer the consequences! HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA!" Newman makes for the door.

"Get outta here!" Jerry slams the door behind him.

Elaine comes up. Weakly: "Jerry, what was all that yelling about?"

"Oh, Newman's getting evicted and he's trying to blackmail me for my apartment."

Elaine lies down on the couch. "What a jerk. What's he gonna do, hold your mail?" Lol.

"Yeah, something like that. This could be a real problem. That damn Kramer...if they weren't friends I never would've met the guy and this wouldn't happen."

"Well, what are you gonna do?"

Jerry begins pouring cereal. "I don't know-" The gun falls out of the cereal box. "-but I've got an idea." Lol.

Elaine turns to look and Jerry hides the gun. "Jerry, mind if I stay here? I'm not feeling well."

"Sure, just don't get me sick. Hey, I gotta go out for a while. I'll see ya later."

* * *

Later that night.

Newman awakes to a sound. He gets out of bed and looks for the source. He jumps when he sees Jerry in his living room holding Kramer's gun with a silencer attached.

"You want my apartment, Newman? Maybe they'll have a nice one for you in hell." He shoots Newman's kneecaps. Newman falls to the ground screaming and whimpering. Jerry drags Newman to the open window and throws him out.

Meanwhile, Kenny Bania is walking down the street rehearsing one of his Ovaltine jokes when Newman's screaming body strikes the ground in front of him and explodes in a flurry of blood. Kenny is soaked. He spits repeatedly and throws up on Newman's twitching mess of a corpse.

Jerry leaves the gun on the counter before exiting Newman's apartment.

* * *

George is tripping balls. He comes into Jerry's apartment with a box of cigars and finds Elaine unresponsive on the couch.

"I have to apologize to Lucy" he mumbles. He strips Elaine, props her body upside-down with her legs spread, and inserts all the cigars into her rectum before lighting them. "Oh, what a lovely bouquet! Lucy will love this." He manically runs around the apartment while it fills with smoke from the cigars. Finally, he passes out.

Jerry comes home to a smoke-filled apartment. He wakes George.

"What the hell is going on?"

"Oh, jeez, Jerry. I don't know. I have a drug problem. I thought I was putting together a flower bouquet for Lucy. Elaine must have been dead when I got here."

Jerry walks over to Elaine's corpse. "Are these Cubans?" He removes one and gives it a few puffs. Then realization dawns on his face. "George, I just got an idea." He explains the Newman situation. "So I killed him with Kramer's gun and I left it there. I was really careful not to get my prints on it."

George grabs a cigar and puffs as well. "You know, I stole these from Kramer's apartment. With his gun by Newman's body and his cigars up Elaine's ass, I think it'll look like a double homicide." He also explains what happened with Lucy and his parents.

"Sounds like we both need a change of scenery. Come on, I still have that place in Tuscany." Before they leave, Jerry slits Elaine's neck to make it look like a murder and writes "Who's the doofus now?" on his coffee table to give further evidence that Kramer was the killer.

* * *

Fast forward.

Kramer's in questioning.

"But I didn't do it! Ya gotta believe me!"

"The gun was registered to you and your prints are all over it. We have plenty of witness reports that Elaine called you a doofus. This is a pretty open and shut case, but we were able to find you a lawyer anyway."

Jackie Chiles walks in. "Hello, Cosmo. It's a beautiful day for justice."

The cop chuckles. "Jackie was the only one willing to take your case."

Kramer sits there mouth agape stunned by the irony. Roll credits.

* * *

During credits.

Kenny Bania is seated in the examination room at the doctor's office.

"We have the results of your blood test, Mr. Bania. I'm sorry to tell you - you have AIDS."

"WHAT?! How can I have AIDS? Shouldn't I have HIV?"

"No, unfortunately. It's full-blown AIDS." The doctor leaves without another word.

Bania makes a fist. "Newman!"


End file.
